Hey Body!... It's Me, Your "BFB"

Dear Body,

Hey there!... It's me, your Big Fat Belly.  It's been quite sometime since we've connected, but I wanted to give you a friendly "Hello, and Happy New Year".  In case you've forgotten (which I'm sure you haven't, cuz I'm still very well intact), it's me, your Big Fat Belly.  Some people like to call me "BFB" for short, not to be confused with "BFF."  We are two very different entities.

So I know that it's been a great year for the both of us and I wanted to thank you for nourishing me so throughout the year, and allowing me the chance to grow to never-before-seen proportions.  I don't know if it was the late night fun bags from McDonald's, or the crispy KFC buckets, but these stretch marks you've added to me are tremendous.  I feel like I've got gills on my sides.  I mean, I know that we evolved from fish and all, and old trends always seem to come back (think bell bottoms, retro sneakers, and yes, that's right, MC Hammer pants), but I think that these stretch marks really give me the long-lasting character that I've been searching for!

And to think that just 1 year ago, I was only 32 inches around, and today I hang out at a fantastic 41 inches!  I'd like to take some credit, but I just can't do it in good faith.  I mean, you ate all those garlic parmesan chicken wings on NFL Sundays, and you polished off those countless bags of Doritos.  Two donuts from Dunkin Donuts every Monday and Friday... that's all you, Dogg!  Heck, you even went above and beyond the call of duty and ate an entire pumpkin pie over the Thanksgiving holiday.  Now that's dedication!  That's how I know that you love me.  You're a special person, and I just can't take any of the credit.

At one point, I was worried that you were going to start up those killer, high-intensity workouts after we quit them in the last week of January, but you held strong!  We stayed the course and now I'm a force to be reckoned with!  Hell Yeah!  That's what I'm talking about!

Anyway, I'm hoping that 2010 can be something like 2009.  It was a killer year, literally.  If we have a couple more like that last one, maybe we can get that annoying thumping in your chest above me to finally stop.  Do you know how difficult it is to concentrate on sucking the grease out of a hot wing when all you hear, night and day, is "thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump."  Know what I mean?

And whatever you do, please don't get in touch with that guy Corey House.  I'm feeling pretty confident that my size and shape will keep you out of the gym, but this guy Corey scares me.  He comes to people's homes, talks to them about their feelings (whaaa! whaaa! whaaa!), and creates this kick ass workout plan that has destroyed some of my buddies.  I haven't seen Mr. Manboobs, Sally Saddlebags, or Bobby Backfat in forever!

I'm not even going to tell you that his website is www.coreyhousetraining.com, or that he can be reached via telephone too.  That would just kill me!

Happy New Year, Body!